CAPTAIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.TAKE CHARGE AND START TAKING STEPS TOWARDS A BETTER LIFE. DON'T BE DELUDED INTO THINKING a prince on a big white charger will come to rescue you from your woes.
When she was 28, Elizabeth promised herself that she would sort out her "dull,rather stagnant" five-year relationship with Paul by the time she was 30."I was drifting along, not feeling happy, but at the same time, not feeling miserable. I saw 30s as my watershed - if things hadn't improved by then, I'd definitely do something to change it for the better."
Five years later, Elizabeth is still with Paul - and still waiting to make the change. The couple passed their 10th anniversary recently but neither felt much like celebrating. "He's living in limbo too. It's ironic,but the problem is that we don't have any one serious problem that we can focus on. I suppose one of us will eventually have an affair, and that'll be it,"she sighs.
Elizabeth admits she's relying on fate to provide a solution. She's sure something will eventually happen, despite setting herself a time limit that has long since expired. The problem is, Elizabeth doesn't really know what she's waiting for.
A new Man? A new job to take her abroad? To get pregnant or for Paul to have an affair? Probably any of these would do, because she feels the only way that she'll be able to take control of her life is if an external event actually forces her to. Elizabeth is suffering from the "take me away from all this" syndrome. Meanwhile,five long years of her life have drifted by.
Juliet , 33, faced a very similar dilemma when she and Greg approached the three-year marker in their relationship. They weren't living together, and they didn't have any marriage plans either."We both liked our SPACE, but I began to wonder about this more and more as all my friends started getting married, or moving in together. Inevitably, people began asking when we were going to do the same."
Coming from a fairly large family, Juliet really cherished her independence. Wisely, she also recognised that independence is a lot sweeter when coupled with some measure of emotional dependence." I felt pressurised by friends to marry Greg. I wasn't sure this was what I really wanted but I did know that I wanted to be closer to him," she says. But instead of waiting for the relationship to change, Juliet decided to confront it head on.
"I suggested that we save up our holidays for the year, and go away for a month to celebrate our third anniversary together. I knew this would give us plenty of time to work out where we wanted to go next. It also gave us a chance to be constantly in each other's company, see how that felt and if we could COPE."
They could and did cope. By taking time out together, Juliet and Greg realised how much they meant to each other. They decided neither of them wanted the CONVENTIONAL COMMITMENT of MARRIAGE, but both agreed that they'd like to spend more time together. Juliet, happier now she no longer feels she's drifting, says her feelings for Greg are much more positive than before the trip. Put simply, she has taken positive action and feels in control of her life.
If you find it difficult to feel certain about your current life choices, it's no good waiting for a particular event or person to come along and rescue you. You need to do something about it ,right now. There's one painfully true saying : IT'S NOT WHAT WE DO IN LIFE THAT WE REGRET, BUT WHAT WE DON'T DO. Time rolls past, and moments of doubt can turn into years of unfulfillment and frustration. There's a game some people play unconsciously that's absolutely guaranteed to stop them from ever doing anything even when they feel stuck in a rut.Kind friends offer them lots of suggestions and advice - why don't you try this, why don't you have a trial separation, take a holiday, leave him. But the response is always, "Ah yes, but...."
In his book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, psychologist ERIC BERNE explains that the ,"Why don't you...Yes, but...." game is the oldest humans play.We can always find a way to negate new ideas and friends' suggestions because deep down,we FEAR CHANGE, even if, paradoxically, we DESIRE IT VERY MUCH. The way forward is not just to become aware that we're doing this but to change it.Dr Berne used to stop his patients from playing this game by refusing to make any suggestions. Instead he'd ask : "What are you going to do about it?"
Suggestions from other people have far less potency than ones we come up with ourselves. This is why counsellors always refuse to give advice,as Christine, 31, discovered :"I went for counselling because my four-year relationship was going nowhere. I felt panicky. Time was running out and I had to do something. I hoped a counsellor would tell me what that something should be - how to get my boyfriend to commit himself to me. "That didn't happen. Instead she encouraged me to be honest with myself and face some rather difficult truths - that I wanted marriage and kids but would probably never have them with my boyfriend. The worst part was realising the only reason I was still with him was because I was afraid of being alone."
Once she had accepted this, Christine ended the relationship and is much happier now."You don't have to be with someone to be happy. I'd always had a boyfriend. Now I know why. This way I've got a chance to find out about myself before I become involved again. I'm sure this time I'll find someone who's more in tune with what I want."
Christine's self-knowledge gave her the impetus to act, but there are some people who know exactly what they should be doing - and why - but still can't do anything about it. Self-knowledge is not always enough. You can plan to be happy, just as you can plan everything else in your life. The KEY IS TO DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE WHENEVER YOU FEEL SOMETHING IS WRONG. Understand this : There is no prince on a big white charger coming to rescue you from your woes. Put bluntly, you are your only source of salvation.
So decide what you want from your relationship. Think about it, plan it, enjoy wanting it. Then take charge and start taking steps towards it. Only you know what these steps should be. Finding out what you really want can be scary because it might mean realising, just like Christine, that you aren't happy with something or someone. But acting upon it is an act of stupendous courage that can only be enriching. LIVE YOUR LIFE, DON'T LET TIME LIVE IT FOR YOU.
